


Ten Things

by aTARDISfullofotters, Whispering_Imp



Series: Stars Don't Lie (but Superstars Do... Sometimes) [6]
Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Comfort, Drug Use, Engagement, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I like to self-insert good books I like in there, M/M, OD, Overdosing, Sadness, Suicide Attempt, also my career that I always want, but it's a flashback because they're all better now, it ends happy i swear, snooping around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 15:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10901760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aTARDISfullofotters/pseuds/aTARDISfullofotters, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whispering_Imp/pseuds/Whispering_Imp
Summary: A little leather bound journal was the window to his soul. His eyes gave nothing away, he guarded his feelings too carefully, something he was trained to do. So when she stumbled across it by accident, she couldn’t resist peeking inside. What emotions had her dark prince so carefully locked away between the pages for fear of burdening those he held dearest?





	Ten Things

**Author's Note:**

> Sebastian said in an interview once that he writes a list of ten things he's thankful for every day. I took that idea and not only ran with it in story form, but also in real life (it's a lot harder than you think). I encourage you to give it a try. It allows you to truly give thanks to those in your life and what little things you usually take advantage of. Tell someone "I love you" today!

“He ate and drank the precious Words, his Spirit grew robust; He knew no more that he was poor, nor that his frame was Dust.”

Sarah smiled as she searched around the dark wood bookshelves in Sebastian and her bedroom, remembering the poem by Emily Dickinson fondly. She knew Tom had shoved one of the copies of Hamlet in here – it was only a matter of braving the dust and piles of books to find it. She moved a book on C++ coding balanced on top of James Patterson. No luck. There was the stack of old scripts next to the Harry Potter series, (she swore she would get Sebastian to read someday) but no Shakespeare. Instead, she found a curious looking but next to the Deathly Hallows. What was that? It was a leather journal – worn for many years and obviously well-traveled-- sandwiched between the pages of a book. It had to be something of Sebastian’s.  Its look fits his personality well.

Unable to suppress her curiosity, Sarah took the bundle down. She peered at the cover of book first.

_Vingt Mille Lieues sous les Mers_

She smiled. It looked like Seb found a quote he liked. She took a moment to admire the fact that Seb was reading 20,000 Leagues under the Sea in original French. She carefully put a bookmark between the pages after she slipped the journal out of the little novel. The leather felt tender under her fingers, and she turned them over a few times, like a lover refusing to let go of her beloved. She put it to close to her nose and inhaled the old leather smell mixed with a hint of Seb’s favourite cologne. She closed her eyes and savored the moment before opening it slowly to the cover page.

 

_10 Things I’m Thankful For_

_Sebastian Stan_

Was written in neat handwriting on the cover page – a stark contrast to his normal rushed handwriting in the margins of computer paper scripts. Carefully flipping the cover page, she read over the first page. The date in the top left was from before she had met him. A couple years after he had met Chris, if she remembered her years correctly.

  1.  My parents for bringing me to the US
  2.  Sunrises on days I wake up early
  3. Non-dark days
  4.   Chris checking up on me every so often
  5.   The Greek restaurant near my apartment
  6.   The pretty girl running at the park that I see
  7. Window I can open and let the smell of rain come in
  8. Rained for just the right amount of time
  9. Friends that care about me
  10. NEW SCRIPT!



She flipped through a couple more of the pages, reading more of the numbers.

 

The way Chris’ face lights up when he talks about Sarah

When filming ends early

The coffeehouse right down the street from my hotel

 

Checking the numbers, she searched around for the date when they first met. Sebastian had flown in to Chicago to meet up with Chris while he was filming _London._ Sarah was a grown woman – and yet she still started blushing and stammering like a little 3rd grader giving their crush a valentine. Sebastian was so interested in her work at NASA, teasing Chris for being dull compared to her. Shaking her head remembering the memory, she skimmed through the lists some more. There were so many - each one of them one through ten. Some as simple as mac and cheese and as complex as describing the hues the sunrise gave off.

 

Sarah’s cute embarrassment when we met for the first time

Chris’ happiness when he’s with Sarah

 

She found that fateful night when Sebastian had OD’d on his depression meds. Chris and Sarah had been on their way to a date when Sebastian had called. A weak voice had called for Chris before he passed out on the phone. Chris had broken about 10 driving laws getting to Sebastian’s apartment. When Chris found him, Seb was curled up like a ball on the bed, all his muscles rigid, his body cold. Indications that he threw up more than once was clear. Chris told Sarah to call 911 without turning around. He got a blanket and threw it around Seb. 

"Come on, Seb. Stay with me." He kept saying.

But Seb couldn't hear him. He was muttering "Chris." over and over again, but his eyes wouldn't open. His voice was weak. Tear stains ran down both sides of his cheek.

"I'm here, Sebastian. I'm here." was all Chris could say. And he was crying hard.

 After a stomach flushing and keeping him knocked out, Sebastian came to to hear Sarah sobbing in the uncomfortable hospital chair. From his hazy memory, he remembers her looking exhausted and completely spent. He realized he had fallen deep – endangering those he loved with reckless behavior as well as throwing himself off the cliff of love to Sarah. She was Chris’s girlfriend, but he cared so deeply for her.

From her perspective on the dreary hospital chair, she saw nothing. She had made it her responsibility to become his guardian angel, and to her, it seems as if she had failed.  Chris comforted her – _a better job than I would’ve done_ , Sebastian thought hazily.

When he finally got out of the hospital (after weeks and weeks of boring therapy: “I’m feeling a ten, thank you very much. No, I don’t know why I feel better today. I was a ten yesterday too, remember? I just want to get out of here!”), Seb called to have Chris pick him up and took him home--Not _home_ home, but to Chris’s apartment--like promised he would. For the next few days, Seb allowed Chris to keep watch over him. He was gloating internally like a child, of course, but he wants to keep his old friend happy. All he wanted was those close to him to be safe and sated.

But he was fuming for other reasons as well. While cruising slowly through downtown traffic, it Chris broke the news to him about an offer from a prestigious film school. It was all very well, except, the academy is in the United Kingdom. Sarah didn’t know yet, Chris went on to explain, he feared that the news will break her heart. But Chris has thought of everything, just like he always does. “Sarah likes you,” he had said. “You have good chemistry.” Seb felt guilty about that, as if he had betrayed his old friend. But that wasn’t want Chris ment. He thought Seb should talk with Sarah. She gets lonely easily, and Seb needed someone to keep an eye on him. (Seb groaned at that, but he didn’t argue.) Now that Chris can’t be here anymore, he wanted to make sure both of them was cared for at all time.

Sebastian were still pretty depressed afterwards, but he had gone back to that period of days, and had written “Chris” next to all ten numbers.

Sebastian and Sarah had danced around romance – both of them wanted to, but neither of them believed that they were really meant for each other. Sarah was Chris’ to begin with, Sebastian can’t just swoop in when she’s low.

Chris had, ironically enough, been the changemaker - he called Sarah. He knew they both wanted to. He knew that it would take her so much confidence to be semi confrontational – something she hated. But in a loving tone he assured her “all you need is 15 seconds of confidence.” That night Sarah kissed Sebastian. He looked at her astonished – pining for someone was a normal occurrence for them now. Through whispered moans and muffled praises, they did what they had been pining over. The next morning, Sebastian felt like the luckiest guy in the world. He was Snow White – the birds were all chirping for him and the sunshine had never felt warmer. Chris told Sarah on the phone that he sounded like he just had a night of really good sex, which made Sarah blush, even though there was nobody around to see it. That particular date had only two words scribbled into the numbers. “Sarah” took up half, “Chris” taking the other.

Flipping the page, she was met with the leather cover of the book. She didn’t mean to be nosy - she was in the middle of a project, and if there’s one thing about Sarah, it’s that she’ll leave no job unfinished. Rolling over to Sebastian’s side of the bed, her eye began flitting over the nightstand. Sure enough, there was another stack of notebooks. Again,, leather bound. Appropriate for the “bad boy” that likes to wear leather jackets and bracelets.

Looking through the new notebook, there was one commonality through all the pages – her name. Every list of every day had Sarah scribbled next to one of the numbers.

The familiar feeling of being so full of emotion started in her heart. Sebastian cared so deeply for everyone and everything in his life something she knew. And he took time out of each and every day to thank the heavens for who was in his life. Sebastian didn’t deserve the past that he had. And yet, even with that, he had grown into the angel and lover of life that he was.

She flipped through the pages, catching occasional words on the pages.

 

“Wanting to spend the rest of my life with her.”

“The way she dances in the kitchen in the mornings when she thinks no one is paying attention (and even when they are)”

“The little rainbow I saw in the fountain today”

“How Tom always gives me what I need, whether I know I needed it or not”

“She said yes.”

 

Her emotion burst forth - physically this time. Tear came easily to her, something she hated about herself. Rather than rationally working through stress, her reaction more often than not was to cry. Sebastian had proposed to her in a field of sunflowers. He had driven 2 hours on a Saturday morning for this, and she thought it was just because she mentioned something about wanting to see sunflowers. Even actors can forget their speeches, however well thought out, so Sebastian had just gotten down on one knee and asked.

Unbeknownst to her, the front door had opened and Sebastian – heavy laden with some groceries and his laptop – had let himself in. He heard her sniffles from the entryway. _Nonononono_ was his first thought. His heart broke whenever one of his lovers was upset. They deserve the world, and to see them so sad…

She was wiping her eyes on the sleeves of her well worn grey cardigan by the time Sebastian found her. She didn’t attempt to hide the books from him. Both their eyes fell on the journal in her hands, and a panicked thought of Sarah becoming scared of his past flitted through Sebastian’s head. Sarah expected him to get upset for going through his things. It could’ve been dark documents from his past – shadows of his former teenage self, hiding around corners and watching tortures happen in front of his eyes. But instead of tearing the book out of her hands, reprimanding her, and storming out to fume on his own, he took the journal carefully from her and scooped her up. His face was painted with the concern of an angel.

“You have… such an appreciation for all the little things in life. And - that’s so beautiful and you’re an angel and I love you so much and-  “

she was cut off by a sob – a vocalization of her jumbled thoughts.

“This is why you’re crying?” He asked with genuine confusion. “Oh my gosh baby…”

“If I had known you loved me that much all the way back then…"

“We still would’ve ended up together. ‘Everything happens for reason.’” He recited. It was her mantra.

She subconsciously shifted closer into his protective arms.

“Are you ok?” He asked, not expecting much of a response on her part.

She nodded.

“They’re happy tears, I promise.” She protested. “My name – it’s on every single one of the pages. And the night that we got together – my name and Chris is every number-“

He nodded, realizing after how silly the gesture was considering she couldn’t see it.

“You are my daily angel. You are my reason for living. Never doubt my love for you, or Chris, or Tom, or anything.”

She unfolded her arms that had become scrunched up beside her (she reminded him of the delicate paper cranes she folds from gum wrappers) and made the best attempt to hug him.

“If we weren’t already engaged, I would ask you to marry me right now.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are the strawberries in my fruit salad :)


End file.
